literature

Questionable Beginning

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GirLikeBurritos's avatar
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Literature Text

The movie screen flickered from the dying lightbulb in the projector.  The students in the room slowly let their heads drop, one by one.  The man on the screen spoke slowly and monotonously, carefully exhibiting and showing the chemicals to the camera.  The glow from the screen set an eerie glow on the room, shadows dancing across the glossy posters and the yellowed bones of the hanging skeleton.  A student teacher stood next to the projector, his head slowly drifting down before being jerked back up.  Needless to say, the movement level in the chemistry class was deathly low.

Feeling the need to make a break in the distrubing silence, the student teacher tapped on the shoulder of one fo the few students still awake.  The girl looked up from the note she was writing, her hand poised over the paper.  He quietly asked her to go next door and ask the teacher next door if they had any beakers and burners.  The girl agreed, eager to get out of the boring class.  The girl knocked on the teacher's door, slowly twisting the doorknob when she received no answer.

"Hello?  Mrs. Kalvier?"  She opened the door fully, only to see an empty classroom.  The girl stepped forward, not sure what to do if nobody returned soon.

"Good afternoon, dear."  The girl whipped around.  A middle aged woman stood in the doorway, a steaming cup in her hands.  The girl frowned, not expecting a substitute.

The woman gave a coy smile, as if she knew something the girl didn't  She strode into the classroom, walking to the back of the neat and organized room, pulling herself up to her full height as she looked at the girl.  "What is it that you need?"  Her stature may have been imposing but her voice was soft and gentle.

"I came from next door to see if we could borrow some beakers and bunsen burners."  The girl carefully walked into the class, feeling as if all of the chairs were filled and their inhabitants were watching her.

"What's your name, dear?"  The woman walked towards the desk at the back and rummaged through one of the top drawers.  She beckoned the girl over to her.

"Onyx.  Do you have..."  She watched the woman pull out various objects that were out of place for a desk's contents: a falling apart squid toy, a miniature tea pot, a cloth that was cut to look like a smile, and a few metal cogs on a bolt.  Onyx was puzzled as to why a teacher would keep such strange objects in her desk.  The woman stared at the onjects on the desk, her smile never leaving her face.  She mumbled something under her breath.  Onyx tried to hear what she was saying.  "Tress ang le kenst."  It didn't sound like any language Onyx had heard before.

The woman reached back into the drawer and pulled out a key.  The key was different from every key Onyx had seen before.  It had a cylinder base, like the old fashioned keys, with two flat pieces of metal sticking out of one end, one piece shaped like a triangle and the other shaped like a circle.  The other end was shaped like three empty teardrops meeting at their points.  The middle and right slots of the tear drops held what looked like crystals, yet when the woman raised the key up, the crystals held a mix of colors within them.  The left slot was empty, save for a silver chain that ran through it.  The chain looked nice against the bronze metal of the key.

"Here's the key."  The woman handed the chain to Onyx.  "The bunsen burners and beakers should be in the far back of the closet in their marked boxes."  She pointed to a door in the corner.

Just before Onyx could step into the closet, the woman called out to her.

"Oh, and dear," the woman's smile grew.  "Watch out for the Merries."

Before she could question the woman, Onyx felt a sudden force pull her forward, sucking her into the closet, the door closing quietly behind her.
I'm trying to get this story out of my system, but I don't know if this is the best way to start it. I have another beginning in mind, but I don't want to completely write off this one.

Help please?
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monstroooo's avatar
As has been said, it's hard to leave too much insight into the beginnings without seeing the competition, or without knowing where the story is heading.

My advice would probably be to not worry too much about it: just try to plough through the story. Once you've got a whole draft together, you can try to assess which beginning would suit better. In my experience, stories evolve as you right them and you might discover that neither beginning really works! For the time being, you've got off to a good start - try to keep up some momentum and just continue on :)

The other approach is to decide what you want the beginning to do, and work backwards from there. Do you want the story to start slow and build up? Do you want an air of mystery to develop? Do you want to start quickly to get the reader hooked? Do you want to shock, scare or upset the reader; or do you want them to feel safe and happy? Is the story supposed to make the reader laugh or cry; and how best can you establish an opening atmosphere to acheive that aim? Lots of questions which might help pick between the beginnings!